A definitive ranking of the ‘Too Hot To Handle’ cast 

A recap of Netflix’s latest dating show, from someone who watched episodes 1-8 in a single day. 

We can all agree that Netflix have been hitting it out of the park with binge-worthy series lately, and while it pains me to say this, Too Hot To Handle is one of them. 

It’s basically Love Island with a dash of Big Brother, but with one huge catch, they have to choose between hooking up and winning prize money. 

“There are conditions to your stay here: no kissing or sex of any kind,” says AI diffuser Lana, and they learn that they will lose money from their eventual cash prize if ever they’re caught hooking up. Every indiscretion will result in a deduction from the prize money, each punishment fits the crime, the more you do, the more you lose. 

Once a significant dent in the prize money is made, it seems the financial incentive pretty much fails to act as a deterrent for many of the contestants. 

But robot Lana has a larger goal, to see if these attractive twenty-somethings can form deeper emotional connections, in the absence of physical contact. 

As you can probably guess, it doesn’t go all that well, but let’s be honest, Too Hot to Handle hits differently during quarantine. So we’ve awarded each cast member a prize, outlined below, and ranked in a very loose order of bantz quality… 

Most likely to call you a food type - Harry

You probably recognise Harry from New Zealand’s very own dating show Heartbreak Island, and to be honest, he did Australasia proud on this show. Despite being the biggest financial burden to the group, he’s made for TV, very well versed in mattress-spring squeakiness, and even admitted to DMing Kendall Jenner calling her a butter chicken, which surprisingly, was not successful. 

Most likely to be friend-zoned - David

After a painful ‘it’s not you it’s me’ speech from housemate Chloe, it appears all hope might be lost for the charming-Brit. But things heat up later in the piece, don’t you worry. 

Most likely to lick something - Francesca

The other half of the shows greatest financial burden, in the first 20 minutes Francesca outlines how she would like to lick Harry, Kelz AND Harry’s body. All in all, there is something strangely likeable about Francesca. 

Most likely to tag you in a push-up challenge - Sharron

Sharron gets the award for the most slow-mo workout montages, so it only seems fair to assume he’d be one to get around a push-up challenge. 

Most likely to become a wolverine - Rhonda 

Did anyone else clock those claws?

Most likely to pick up a career as a heart warrior - Matthew 

Matthew AKA the self-proclaimed ‘teacher’ of the group may not have a future as a motivational speaker in my eyes, but he does have potential as a fruitful Heart Warrior.

Most likely to fail NCEA Level 2 English - Chloe  

Chloe definitely got the most screen time, during which she confessed to not knowing a magnitude of words. 

Most likely to say “where’s my hug”- Bryce

Bryce is a 40-year old trapped in a 20-something’s body who is destined to continue reliving the glory days in Ibiza until his time is up. 

Most likely to not smile - Kelz

Most likely to not make friends - Haley

She was done playing nice before the first ep was up, apart from being fiercely loyal to BFF Francesca, who didn’t even bother to stand up and give her a hug when she got booted off. Ouch. 

Most likely to be a snack - Kori 

Kori was a mighty fine aesthetical addition to the island, but his non-existent personality has sadly landed him a spot at the end of the ranking. I will just add him to my list of disappointments in 2020. 

Most likely to be forgotten - Madison

Who?